Resolute villagers have been left 'devastated' by a crass, vindictive and most horrid act. Cayton, near Scarborough, is a regular finalist in the Royal Horticultural Society's Britain in Bloom final. Their place is dangling by a wispy shoot of Convolvulus. Sabotage is a word that is on the lips of many villagers.
Titchmarsh has expressed his fury
of this indiscriminate slaughter
Their proud blooms have withered in the face of a vicious assault of weed-killer. The culprit or culprits, remain at large. Burgeoning colours and life has been replaced by crumpled Chrysanthemums and death-stricken Dahlias that adorned this once colourful and proud village. Police described this heinous act as being 'calculating and malicious'.
Residents first noticed that their shrubs were dying two weeks ago. Test on a white substance show that the poison used was sodium chlorate, a substance that is now banned.
The villagers were not feeling glad all over
Les Hutchinson, The chairman of Cayton in Bloom group is defiant. They shall still compete.
He went on to say, "A great deal of time, effort and expense goes into Cayton in Bloom and the organisers are quite rightly angered and upset by what has happened.
"We are appealing for any information that could assist the investigation to identify the culprit.
"Someone out there knows who is responsible. Please, do the right thing and report them, either direct to the police or anonymously via Crimestoppers."
Good luck to them.
I shall spare you the details of what they did to Mrs Bickerstaff's Victoria Sponge.
Quote of the Day: "To forget how to dig the earth and to tend the soil is to forget ourselves." - Mahatma Gandhi
Word of the Day: Dehisce - to burst open, as the pod of a plant
World Cup 2010, South Africa, Group B
Argentina
Nigeria
South Korea
Greece
A mixed bag of talent, crazy hairstyles, international disquiet and failing economies.
Argentina
Population: 40,134,425
Capital: Buenos Aires
National Dish: Parilla - Liver, Kidney, Intestine... basically offal, cooked on a grill.
National Dress: Gaucho Costume - Think Strictly Come Dancing and a camp matador
Greatest Invention: The ballpoint pen
Most Famous Supporter: Eva Peron
Nickname: La Albiceleste (White and Sky Blue)
Most famous player: Diego Maradona (and the Hand of God!)
World Cup Record: Winners '78 and '86
Prediction: Sr Maradona has picked a player (4 caps - including one for a charity match for Haiti) on the fact that he was the only recognisable face in a dream lifting the trophy. They will either limp out in the group stage or win the cup. Who knows?
Nigeria
Population: 154,729,000
Capital: Abuja
National Dish: Nigeria is a bit of a smorgasboard of different cultures. Too many dishes to mention one.
National Dress: Outlandish pyjamas
Greatest Invention: Jay Jay Okocha
Flair!
Most Famous Supporter: Ben Okri
Nickname: The Eagles
Most famous player: Rashidi Yekini
World Cup Record: 2nd Round '94 and '98
Prediction: Second in the group but bowing out in the second round again, this time against France.
South Korea
Population: 50,062,000
Capital: Seoul
National Dish: Pickled cabbage or man's best friend
Woof! Woof!
National Dress: Hanbok - Think Elizabethan England, but with a lot more colour.
Greatest Invention: Thundersticks - Inflatable sticks that are banged together to make a racket - Thanks!
Most Famous Supporter: Park Ji-Sung
Nickname: Taeguek Jeonosa (Taeguek Warriors!)
Most famous player: Park Ji-Sung (Captain and Man Utd stalwart)World Cup Record: 4th Place '02
Prediction: A struggle to overhaul Nigeria for the second spot, but they did surprise us in 2002.
Greece
Population: 11,306,183 (of which 2% pay any tax)
Capital: Athens
It is not just their economy that has crumbled
National Dish: Moussaka - de....licious!
National Dress: Think Oompa-lumpa
Greatest Invention: The Olympics
Most Famous Supporter: Plato, Aristotle, Archimedes? Ok, someone more recent... Penelope SpheerisNickname: Phalanx
Most famous player: Theodoris Zaograkis (Once of Leicester City)
World Cup Record: Group Stage!
Prediction: No improvement. A limp exit to confound their current economic misery.
Quote of the Day: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"- Plato - a long time ago
Word of the Day: Gastropher - a person skilled in matters of eating
The purpose of this blog (and the next few) is to offer a preview of each team, by group, and an easy guide to refer to during the month's festivities.
World Cup 2010, South Africa, Group A
South Africa
Mexico
Uruguay
France
I am sure you will agree that this is an absolute crackerjack of a group to kick things off with in South Africa. Two Latin American sides, the hosts and a touch of Gallic flair.
South Africa
Population: 49,320,000
Capital: Johannesburg
National Dish: Bobotie - a spiced mincemeat dish with an egg-based topping
National Dress: Madiba Shirt - a batik silk shirt, a personal favourite of Nelson Mandela
Greatest Invention: The heart transplant
Most Famous Supporter: Nelson Mandela
FIFA ignored the advice for tourists to keep
an eye on one's possessions at all times
Nickname: Bafana Bafana (The Boys)
Most famous player: Lucas Radebe
World Cup Record: Round 1 '98 and '02
Prediction: Another round 1 exit beckons, but the crowd could hold the key.
Mexico
Population: 111,211,789
Capital: Mexico City
National Dish: Enchillada, Quesadilla, Guacamole
National Dress: Sombrero, Mariachi Suit
Greatest Invention: Tequila
Most Famous Supporter: Elsa Benitez
The key to the Mexican challenge is
how much potency they have upfront
Nickname: El Tri
Most famous player: Cuauhtemoc Blanco
World Cup Record: Quarter Finals '70 and '86
Prediction: A two horse race between themselves and Uruguay for the second spot in the group. Too close to predict a definitive outcome.
Uruguay
Population: 3,494,382
Capital: Montevideo
National Dish: Chivito - steak sandwich with olives, mozzarella, tomatoes and bacon.
National Dress: Gaucho cowboy outfits
Greatest Invention: A car than runs on compressed air
Most Famous Supporter: Natalia Oreiro
Oh dear! That isn't Natalia!
Most famous player: Obdulio Valera
World Cup Record: Winners '30 and '50
Prediction: Between them and their Latin American cousins for the spot behind France
France
Population: 65,447,374
Capital: Paris
National Dish: Snails and other creatures found in the garden
National Dress: Hooped shirts and Berets
Greatest Invention: Melissa Theuriau
Most Famous Supporter: Melissa Theuriau
Miettes! (Crumbs!)
Most famous player: Zinedine Zidane (for that headbutt)
World Cup Record: '98 Winners
Prediction: Top of the group. Top of the World?
Quote of the Day: "Never underestimate the bravery of the French. For it was they that discovered you could eat snails."- Anon.
Word of the Day: Adoxography - Skilled writing on an unimportant subject
Election fever has gripped the country as an X-factor type show has dominated our lives for the past 5 weeks. As Neil Young once crooned... "Tonight's the night..."
I wasn't quite sure which way to vote, so I referred to a trusty guide that every floating voter should refer to...
As it turns out, an administration error meant that I was not able to soil my vote... sorry... spoil my ballot paper.
Anyway...
Exclusive to 'thebaronoflondon' blog, our busy party leaders managed to take time out of their hectic schedules to answer an assortment of essential questions the public deserve to know..
We shall begin with the current holder of the no. 10 keys, Mr Gordon Brown.
Gordon, good of you to join me and take time out of your election campaign.
My pleasure Baron of London.
How have things been going so far? Not too badly. I do miss my Kitkats though. Nine bananas a day are taking their toll on me and my support crew. Good job Labour managed to quell the volcano as bananas are always the first thing to be rationed.
Right. You had a spot of bother with an elderly lady from Rochdale. Do you think you might have lost some ground with that blooper?
I would hope that the electorate would forgive me. I am a man after all and it was a barage of incessant nagging. Us men always say things we don't necessarily mean. Just ask Sarah.
True. When are you at your happiest?
Probably on a Saturday afternoon at home. Sarah is looking after the family, there is an air of tranquility and I am keeping one eye on the football scores.
Ha ha! Oh... What do you think you would be doing now if you weren't a politician?
I'd like to see myself as an entrepreneur. Long before all these Cash4Gold shops popped up, I devised the theory of selling gold on the cheap so that someone could then profit from it.
Much has been made of your relationship with Tony and Cherie. Is it strained?
I shan't comment on that, but I expect them to vote for me.
Have you been in the booth yourself?
No, can't stand the woman.
Ah yes. On to more important matters. What's your favourite, Chinese or Indian?
Indian. Sarah would suggest Chinese as it is generally better for the waist line, but I do love a good Balti and a Peshwari Naan.
Butter or Margarine?
Sarah has stopped buying butter and I am not allowed down to the shops that sell Buckfast wine, so margarine suffices.
What would you like people to remember most about you?
The man who won a second term against all the odds.
Ha ha. Good one. What's blue and invisible? Tory policies?
Thank you, Gordon.
No, thank you.
Good morning David
Good morning, please call me Dave.
Right. Dave. How are things going?
I've just spent the last 24 hours working my way through Britain from the Northern region to the Southern region. I was conversing with some factory men and women at 4am and ended up in a fish market. To be honest, it has been tiring, but an awful lot of fun.
Do you feel that your private education means that you are an out of touch outsider and do not appeal to the electorate?
I don't see why it should. Everyone struggles on a personal level. You just need to watch your back and hope they grow tired of it.
Are you feeling confident that you have done enough?
I would like to think so. We are offering Britain and change and I feel that we are the party that represents the whole of Britain. We can change Britain. Yes, we can. Yes, we can...
Hold on. I've heard that last bit before. When are you at your happiest?
When I'm with my family and when I am riding my bicycle.
Ah yes, you've been married to her for quite a while.
Onto more serious matters. Are you a lager or bitter man?
I'm not a bitter man, but I will be if Gordon manages to cling onto power.
Fnar. Fnar. Chinese or Indian?
Difficult to pick, both necessary evils but as long as we keep the Trident, we should be OK.
Uh... Thanks to for talking to BaronofLondon.
An absolute pleasure. Remember to tick the blue square.
I thought it was a cross... never mind.
Good afternoon Nick. How are you feeling?
Not bad. Not bad at all. We are making headway and it is no longer a two horse race.
Indeed, much unlike the Scottish Premiership. Things are looking a rosier for the Lib Dems. You performed very well on the electoral debates. Did you enjoy yourself?
I did, very much so. Gordon and David had very little to gain. For a long time, we have lurched from one disaster to another and I think the country needs some yellow
Sounds a bit like an AA meeting. I read that your grandmother was a Russian Baroness and narrowly escaped death from the hands of the Bolsheviks?
Ah yes, I don't like to dwell to much on the past, but I am very proud of my ancestry.
You married a rather svelte Spanish girl, some might say you are a winner whatever the outcome.
Ha ha. Yes. Miriam is a fiery and flamboyant character. Never a moment peace at home.
How will you spend tomorrow morning, after the campaigning has closed and all the votes are in?
I normally go for a jog, but if results are good, I might meet Charles Kennedy for a swift one before the pubs open.
Chinese or Indian?
I can't choose. Both have their merits.
Best of luck with the results and for the future.
Many thanks, Baron.
Good afternoon Nick, how are you feeling?
Pretty good. I'd like to think we are moving forward.
You have a habit of attracting controversy. Do you think the BNP carry a valuable message?
Absolutely. We don't ask for anything of our foreign counterparts and we should expect nothing back from them. Britain needs to be cleansed and I see myself (and the BNP) as a lotion to carry that out.
You seem to end up with a fair amount of food substances on your clothing. Do you have a personal dresser?
Good lord, no. I wear what is comfortable. Sadly, it is almost impossible to buy a suit that is stitched in England. We want to change that.
You far side parting reminds me of someone...
Jackie Charlton?
Moving onto more important issues. Are you a lager or bitter man?
I do like Bombardier and other English beers.
What about a Belgian Beer? They produce some top quality tipples.
No.
Chinese or Indian?
Is this some kind of sick joke?
[Nick Griffin walks out of the interview]
Er, thanks Nick.
U
nfortunately, Caroline Lucas had a hemp manufacturing and yoghurt weaving workshop, so was not able to attend.
Her personal assistant sent this...
"Dear Baron,
Thank you for contacting me. I regret that I am not able to meet you due to an alternative arrangement. I look forward to talking to you in the future.
Best regards,
Caroline Lucas MEP."
That is all.
[This interview was conducted by satellite phone]
Hi Nige. How's it going?
I would rather you called me Nigel.
Oh, sorry. The UKIP is a bit of a non-entity. How are you going to change that?
We believe that [static]
The interview was cut short due to some sort of technical failure on the plane. Early reports suggest a crash has happened, caused by their banner getting caught in the engine. Their message was swallowed. First time for everything, I guess. . Everyone here at the Baron of London wishes Nigel Farage and the rest of the crew well.
Various other party leaders were contacted, but failed to respond.
Whatever the weather, it is going to be a turbulent time (sorry Nige...Nigel) for Britain. We have a mountain of debt that dwarfs Tony Blair's ego. I wish you all well and hope that you get the results you were voting for.
Good luck and godspeed.
(This article is based upon fiction only)
Word of the Day: Stikhedonia - The pleasure of being able to say 'To hell with it!'
Quote of the Day: "If you can't convince them, confuse them" - Harry S. Truman
May the 4th be with you.
Strict rules permit me to say nothing about Wizzy's 'Men Do' other than that it was a blast and shall live long in the memory - apart from the few hours that Wizzy and Ross lost.
Word of the Day: Accubation - the art of drinking or eating whilst lying down
Quote of the Day: "Love: a temporary insanity, cured by marriage"
Get your box out for the lads!
Albert Einstein predicted that the earth would cease to exist if the humble bee were to perish and he put forward a time of a grizzly three year crawl towards disaster, death and extinction.
The purpose of this blog is to investigate (it will be short, I promise) whether Albert had a point or whether he was merely procrastinating in a theoretical sort of way.
Let's think about this properly.
Einstein is suggesting that the bee, the plague of the barbecue season, is an almighty powerful beast. Not only can he/she ruin your day in one fell swoop (and die as a result - them, not you, unless an adverse reaction occurs), he/she can threaten the mere of existence of planet earth.
So...
Logically, if the bee succumbs to extinction, cross pollination will cease to exist. Plants will begin to die out at a greater rate than our cack-handed efforts to forage the same path as the humble bee. Quite simly, only plants like the hardy Dandelion will be able to survive and those other vegetational specie that cannily do not rely on the bee.
Insects that rely on vegetation are not going to have enough time to evolve in such a short space of time to alter their taste buds towards the Dandelion. So they are going to die out.
With a lack of insects, we are going to see the back of insects that feed on insects, such as the spider. Birds are going to be quick to follow with a lack of spiders and worms to feast upon. They are not in a position to make a swift switch to becoming a vegetarian.
Without most birds, we are going to see the back of the cat. Despite what Whiskers and various other feline products tell us, they need birds.
The death of the cat is going to jeopardise the future of the dog. I'm not talking so much about the kill and the feasting on a feline carcass, I am talking about a reason to live. No cats to chase, dogs lose the purpose of survival.
This is when the chain makes the cross over from humble creatures to human beings. The loss of dogs would be an absolute catastrophe for most of Asia. A lack of protein from dog meat is going to lead to all sorts of problems. Over fishing will increase and the sea will become empty. Seafood, being a short term fix, will not see them safe. When our marine cousins finally surrender, they will be left with nothing but noodles. Death will not be far away.
The fall of Asia will mean that most countries around the globe lose essential things like refrigerators and televisions. Death will spread.
The United States of America's beef trade will eventually wither with lack of pollination. Not forgetting that they will have no-one to missile or threaten as the devastation sweeps across Russia and the Middle East. They will eventually wave the white flag to starvation and gratuitous violence amongst themselves.
Africa has long since perished as food aid is a mere memory and the Sahara Desert has replaced any sort of lush ground. Westernisation will be a distant memory and they will have returned to their tribal roots, but one can only survive for too long with vegetation.
Not much news from Australia. The barren land will have been returned to the Aborigines who are able to survive the mean and not so pleasant land for the time being. The latecomers will not have faired so well. As soon as beer supplies will have ceased to be, I predict pandemonium and another self-destruction. India and Pakistan will have destroyed themselves, but that has absolutely nothing to do with cross-pollination.
Britain will undoubtedly be another victim of starvation. No doubt Nick Griffin, sqwauking on his death bed, will blame the extinction of the bee upon that of a foreign black and yellowed winged imposter.
The future is grim. Albert had a point. Get yourself a bee box.
Bamboo Bee Box
Word of the Day: Inaniloquent - pertaining to idle talk
Quote of the Day: "An American Monkey, after getting drunk on Brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men" - Charles Darwin
Sleep well.
Titchmarsh has expressed his fury
The villagers were not feeling glad all over
