X Marks the Box!

Election fever has gripped the country as an X-factor type show has dominated our lives for the past 5 weeks. As Neil Young once crooned... "Tonight's the night..."

I wasn't quite sure which way to vote, so I referred to a trusty guide that every floating voter should refer to...




As it turns out, an administration error meant that I was not able to soil my vote... sorry... spoil my ballot paper.

Anyway...

Exclusive to 'thebaronoflondon' blog, our busy party leaders managed to take time out of their hectic schedules to answer an assortment of essential questions the public deserve to know..

We shall begin with the current holder of the no. 10 keys, Mr Gordon Brown.

Gordon, good of you to join me and take time out of your election campaign.
My pleasure Baron of London.

How have things been going so far? Not too badly. I do miss my Kitkats though. Nine bananas a day are taking their toll on me and my support crew. Good job Labour managed to quell the volcano as bananas are always the first thing to be rationed.

Right. You had a spot of bother with an elderly lady from Rochdale. Do you think you might have lost some ground with that blooper?
I would hope that the electorate would forgive me. I am a man after all and it was a barage of incessant nagging. Us men always say things we don't necessarily mean. Just ask Sarah.

True. When are you at your happiest?
Probably on a Saturday afternoon at home. Sarah is looking after the family, there is an air of tranquility and I am keeping one eye on the football scores.

Ha ha! Oh... What do you think you would be doing now if you weren't a politician?
I'd like to see myself as an entrepreneur. Long before all these Cash4Gold shops popped up, I devised the theory of selling gold on the cheap so that someone could then profit from it.

Much has been made of your relationship with Tony and Cherie. Is it strained?
I shan't comment on that, but I expect them to vote for me.

Have you been in the booth yourself?
No, can't stand the woman.

Ah yes. On to more important matters. What's your favourite, Chinese or Indian?
Indian. Sarah would suggest Chinese as it is generally better for the waist line, but I do love a good Balti and a Peshwari Naan.

Butter or Margarine?
Sarah has stopped buying butter and I am not allowed down to the shops that sell Buckfast wine, so margarine suffices.

What would you like people to remember most about you?
The man who won a second term against all the odds.

Ha ha. Good one. What's blue and invisible? Tory policies?

Thank you, Gordon.
No, thank you.



Good morning David
Good morning, please call me Dave.

Right. Dave. How are things going?
I've just spent the last 24 hours working my way through Britain from the Northern region to the Southern region. I was conversing with some factory men and women at 4am and ended up in a fish market. To be honest, it has been tiring, but an awful lot of fun.

Do you feel that your private education means that you are an out of touch outsider and do not appeal to the electorate?
I don't see why it should. Everyone struggles on a personal level. You just need to watch your back and hope they grow tired of it.

Are you feeling confident that you have done enough?
I would like to think so. We are offering Britain and change and I feel that we are the party that represents the whole of Britain. We can change Britain. Yes, we can. Yes, we can...

Hold on. I've heard that last bit before. When are you at your happiest?
When I'm with my family and when I am riding my bicycle.

Ah yes, you've been married to her for quite a while.

Onto more serious matters. Are you a lager or bitter man?
I'm not a bitter man, but I will be if Gordon manages to cling onto power.

Fnar. Fnar. Chinese or Indian?
Difficult to pick, both necessary evils but as long as we keep the Trident, we should be OK.

Uh... Thanks to for talking to BaronofLondon.
An absolute pleasure. Remember to tick the blue square.

I thought it was a cross... never mind.


Good afternoon Nick. How are you feeling?
Not bad. Not bad at all. We are making headway and it is no longer a two horse race.

Indeed, much unlike the Scottish Premiership. Things are looking a rosier for the Lib Dems. You performed very well on the electoral debates. Did you enjoy yourself?
I did, very much so. Gordon and David had very little to gain. For a long time, we have lurched from one disaster to another and I think the country needs some yellow

Sounds a bit like an AA meeting. I read that your grandmother was a Russian Baroness and narrowly escaped death from the hands of the Bolsheviks?
Ah yes, I don't like to dwell to much on the past, but I am very proud of my ancestry.

You married a rather svelte Spanish girl, some might say you are a winner whatever the outcome.
Ha ha. Yes. Miriam is a fiery and flamboyant character. Never a moment peace at home.

How will you spend tomorrow morning, after the campaigning has closed and all the votes are in?
I normally go for a jog, but if results are good, I might meet Charles Kennedy for a swift one before the pubs open.

Chinese or Indian?
I can't choose. Both have their merits.

Best of luck with the results and for the future.
Many thanks, Baron.



Good afternoon Nick, how are you feeling?
Pretty good. I'd like to think we are moving forward.

You have a habit of attracting controversy. Do you think the BNP carry a valuable message?
Absolutely. We don't ask for anything of our foreign counterparts and we should expect nothing back from them. Britain needs to be cleansed and I see myself (and the BNP) as a lotion to carry that out.

You seem to end up with a fair amount of food substances on your clothing. Do you have a personal dresser?
Good lord, no. I wear what is comfortable. Sadly, it is almost impossible to buy a suit that is stitched in England. We want to change that.

You far side parting reminds me of someone...
Jackie Charlton?

Moving onto more important issues. Are you a lager or bitter man?
I do like Bombardier and other English beers.

What about a Belgian Beer? They produce some top quality tipples.
No.

Chinese or Indian?
Is this some kind of sick joke?

[Nick Griffin walks out of the interview]

Er, thanks Nick.


Unfortunately, Caroline Lucas had a hemp manufacturing and yoghurt weaving workshop, so was not able to attend.

Her personal assistant sent this...

"Dear Baron,

Thank you for contacting me. I regret that I am not able to meet you due to an alternative arrangement. I look forward to talking to you in the future.


Best regards,

Caroline Lucas MEP."

That is all.


[This interview was conducted by satellite phone]

Hi Nige. How's it going?
I would rather you called me Nigel.

Oh, sorry. The UKIP is a bit of a non-entity. How are you going to change that?
We believe that [static]

The interview was cut short due to some sort of technical failure on the plane. Early reports suggest a crash has happened, caused by their banner getting caught in the engine. Their message was swallowed. First time for everything, I guess. . Everyone here at the Baron of London wishes Nigel Farage and the rest of the crew well.

Various other party leaders were contacted, but failed to respond.

Whatever the weather, it is going to be a turbulent time (sorry Nige...Nigel) for Britain. We have a mountain of debt that dwarfs Tony Blair's ego. I wish you all well and hope that you get the results you were voting for.

Good luck and godspeed.

(This article is based upon fiction only)



Word of the Day: Stikhedonia - The pleasure of being able to say 'To hell with it!'

Quote of the Day: "If you can't convince them, confuse them" - Harry S. Truman